The Ingredients Of A Healthy Relationship
The number one, prime ingredient for a healthy, happy relationship is love. But, what is love? In my opinion, everyone has their own idea about what that word means but my definition it that, it's the space we create for each other to be who we are.
For most people, love is conditional, as in, "I'll love you, but only if... . Please see that love with conditions attached is not really love; rather, it's barter. You're trading what you're calling love for someone's return of the favor.
When you tell your kids, "Be good, and then I'll love you," you're using love as a manipulative device. Love with conditions attached is a double edged sword; it tells the manipulated partner in a relationship, that when he or she doesn't meet your criteria, he or she is not loveable.
What kind of message is that to send to someone you care about?
The real key to a healthy happy relationship with another is this: he or she must like him/herself when with you. So, if you want that relationship to work, create the space for your friends, spouse and kids to like themselves when with you. Maybe they will return the favor and you'll end up liking yourself too.
Have you ever heard the cliché, "Give a dog a good name and you'll have a good dog?" It works with people too. When you praise or compliment someone, that person will do whatever he/she can to be worthy of that praise. But if you label someone bad, you'll get what you expected.
And by the way, unconditional love begins at home. I hope you're getting that the only way to change him or her is to change yourself first.
You must create the space for YOU to love YOU with no conditions attached. You must love yourself before you can create that kind of loving space for another. If you've placed conditions on yourself that have to be met before you can be lovable, you'll automatically apply those same conditions in judging others.
Believe me. If you set yourself up as someone's judge and jury, that person won't like him/herself when with you. Net result: sooner or later, they'll use that same judgment sword to cut you right out of their life.
Think about it. Just keep remembering that right/wrong is a game nobody wins, ever.
Every problem's solution requires a BEING choice. So, who would you be being if all your relationships were healthy and happy?