You want him or her to change? You First!
Haven’t you been thinking how much better life would be if only someone you know would change…? You can’t quite see them okay the way they are, can you? That’s because you don’t own or haven’t created that quality of loving space for yourself.
One of our BEING The Solution Workshop participants shared the following relationship problem with us:
I’ve really grown in consciousness since taking the workshop and my relationship with my wife and family couldn’t be better, but my mother-in-law still gives me a hard time, treats me the same as before my transformation in the BEING workshop. How do I get my mother-in-law to change?
My response:
First, make it okay for her not to change! The only true catalyst for change is called unconditional love, which is the space you’d create for another to be who he or she is, with no intent to fix or change.
Strange as it may seem, one of life’s many paradoxes is that the true path for getting someone else to change begins with making it totally okay that they don’t change. That sort of “You’re okay the way you are” space created for another is called unconditional love.
Love yourself first
Of course, the change you want in another must begin with you. The rule is: You first! You must be the change you want to see happen. If you want someone in your life to change, begin by asking yourself who YOU would be BEING if they had already changed. Then choose to BE that person while making it okay that the other person is totally okay as who they are now.
Then watch in amazement as the other person changes as a result of your loving him or her unconditionally. The results of applying unconditional love to your relationships will astonish you. But before you can give something to another, you must first own it. You can’t love another unconditionally until you love yourself unconditionally.
Unconditional love defined
Unconditional love is simply love with no conditions attached. In a relationship, it would be defined as, the space we create for each other to be who we are. Think about this definition for a moment, and you’ll see why you’re not able to give others that quality of love (the space to be themselves, with no desire on your part to have them change).
We learned about love as a bargaining chip
If you don’t love yourself unconditionally, it is because, as a child, you were trained with another kind of love. For most parents, unconditional love was not the norm in dealing with their children. Instead, love was used as a bargaining chip in negotiating for behavior modification.
Unfortunately, parents who unwisely offered love in exchange for good behavior, unintentionally taught kids they were not lovable. Love with conditions attached says, in effect. When your behavior fails to match my expectations, you’re not worthy of my love.
But if you can’t live up to their standards…
In growing up we set, or had standards set for us, and probably failed in our own minds to live up to those ideals. Then we came to the conclusion that, in many ways, we were just not loveable. So, under the tutelage of conditional love, the average child turns into an adult who:
- Lacks self-confidence and self-worth.
- Does not love him or herself.
- Does not feel lovable.
- Sees love as a bargaining chip to be used in negotiating the behavior modification of someone else.
If you are lacking in self-confidence or self-worth, you probably first learned about the kind of love with conditions attached from parents who had never experienced the emancipation of being loved unconditionally.
If those parents had truly understood the concept of unconditional love, they would not have used love as a bargaining chip. Wise parents are able to express unconditional love and still teach their kids the facts of life by allowing them to learn from mistakes and that breaking the rules can have painful consequences.
God’s love for you, once you truly understand it, is the perfect example of how unconditional love works so powerfully in setting you free to be you.
God’s love
God gave you and me the power of choice. Along with that power, we have His promise (the unconditional love of God) that we can choose who we will be, and He will in no way meddle with our choices. In effect, He gave us the space to be, with no intent to fix or change. He gave us the power of choice and set us free to make choices, good or bad, and let us learn from our mistakes.
To learn more about unconditional love as the only real solution for your relationship problems, you might want to read my book “To God or AS GOD”. If you are ready to purchase this book, click here or to read the 1st 4 chapters FREE click here.
Copyright © 2008 Darel Rutherford - DAR Publishing Company
